well, it's been a while.
i'm thinking of starting a fashion focused blog. I have always felt like that's a vain thing to do, because it's just like saying to the world "look, i dress cute! so cute that i'm going to tell you how I make up each of my outfits so you can copy me!" and... i've never been much of a fan. well, i like reading fashion blogs, but i've always felt like i couldn't do one because it's too vain. but i think i'll give it a try. it's more like... laying all your ideas out in front of your face on a screen because they're better that way, rather than contained in your head. it helps you process things. come up with new, better ideas. It's like journaling, in a way. fashion journal! hahah.
well, anyway, that's my take on the whole thing. I think i'm too lazy to update regularly, though. and also, i can't find my digital camera, which really sucks. but once i find it (i'm crossing my fingers that i will), maybe i'll start my fashion blog.
also, i'm... kind of enjoying my summer thus far. kind of. it seems like i had this built up ideal of summer in my head that my actions aren't fulfilling this time around. maybe it's cause i have a job this summer, so i'm always having things i actually need to do and places i need to be. it kind of sucks. but at least i'm making money. Anyways. more to come later.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I like snow in april
I always love snow... it being in the middle of spring just makes it all the more unique and great. it's so beautiful I can't help loving it. At least until i have to walk around in it. hahah. So i went to prom and honestly, it wasn't very good. last year I felt out of place and slightly uncomfortable, only because i'm too self conscious to really want to dance, but this year I felt out of place because i was just thinking... I don't belong with these people at all anymore. I just don't identify with any of them. I'm so done with all of the people that I go to school. minus a select few. I don't really have senioritis, because my workload is so light, but I am at the point where I cannot handle any more of the immaturity i'm faced with on a daily basis. Anyways, i'm glad and sad that it will be over in a few weeks. I don't handle change well at all but i know i'm ready to be out of high school. For your viewing pleasure (hopefully), here's another sonnet I wrote for my 1000 lines... this one's a bit more melancholy, although it's also about spring (i'm writing a collection of spring sonnets hahah).
nature sends a silent beacon
somehow synchronizing subjects
of her rein, they choose a seeming
random day to bloom, and beaming
sunlight fools them all to expect
steadiness of her, but weaken,
weaken, that they do, when frosted
wind sweeps through the boughs and petals
of the trees and roses that grow
slow and beautiful. but you know
sadness that I have, it settles
over when I think, exhausted
realizing that roses always die
before their beauty from me springs a sigh
nature sends a silent beacon
somehow synchronizing subjects
of her rein, they choose a seeming
random day to bloom, and beaming
sunlight fools them all to expect
steadiness of her, but weaken,
weaken, that they do, when frosted
wind sweeps through the boughs and petals
of the trees and roses that grow
slow and beautiful. but you know
sadness that I have, it settles
over when I think, exhausted
realizing that roses always die
before their beauty from me springs a sigh
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
I really do love springtime
All the flowers in the house are cheering me up immensely, I think. There's a vase full of yellow roses on the counter, vases with tulip bulbs in bloom all over various parts of the house, and a mini garden of daffodils outside. It's nice. In fact, since I have to have written 1000 lines of poetry by the end of this month, I wrote a sonnet about spring. It's pretty cliche, but I'm proud because it fits all the specific requirements of a sonnet: it's 14 lines, the rhyme scheme is abab/bcbc/cdcd/ee, and each line is 10 syllables and in iambic pentameter. I sound like such a nerd. but i'm proud of it!
the plum and cherry trees are born anew,
their beauty is forgotten until spring
the virgin blooms flinch back from icy dew
that on reluctant winter branches cling.
in winter morning air the bluebirds sing,
they sense the gentle rising of the sun
she shows her quiet face with warmth to bring
against the frigid winter moon she's won.
a ray of light falls where there once was none,
illuminates a bud that's lone and still
and once the spring's unfailing work is done
her hand has formed a thousand daffodils.
eventually she withers, fades and dies,
she can't endure the heat despite her tries.
the plum and cherry trees are born anew,
their beauty is forgotten until spring
the virgin blooms flinch back from icy dew
that on reluctant winter branches cling.
in winter morning air the bluebirds sing,
they sense the gentle rising of the sun
she shows her quiet face with warmth to bring
against the frigid winter moon she's won.
a ray of light falls where there once was none,
illuminates a bud that's lone and still
and once the spring's unfailing work is done
her hand has formed a thousand daffodils.
eventually she withers, fades and dies,
she can't endure the heat despite her tries.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I don't know if i'm cut out for this
I had a pretty good spring break, with it starting out how it did, finding out i made all state and everything. Then my mom and I spent a nice couple of days in Phoenix, laying out in the sun and getting manicures and such, which we both needed. But then I pretty much spent the rest of it being sickeningly nervous about my UofA audition, which was yesterday...
I thought it actually went better than I had anticipated. I played well, I felt, and I was pretty happy with it, until the professor and I started talking at the end... It almost seemed like he was trying to convince me NOT to be a music major. We started out talking about all the drawbacks, like how his first job was 17,000 a year with no benefits, and how the odds of being a professional musician are less than being a pro basketball player... But that in itself didn't really discourage me. I've always known my chances wouldn't be good.
He also said that I would probably be taking 8:00 classes every day of the week until i'm a junior. Which really, really sucks. But I would do it to be a professional musician; just to be as good as he is someday. That is what I want so bad. Another thing is that he said it would probably cost me around 57,000 in extra costs to be a performance major through 4 years of college, because I'd have to buy a new professional level flute, travel costs, etc. As he said, being a musician has been called a "rich man's profession," ironically, since "starving" musicians are obviously linked to not making much money.
He also told me that more than anything, more than being a really, really talented musician, you need a lot of tenacity to be in this profession, and bluntly, that if you don't have it, you need to get out. Tenacity being like, grit and determination and the will to keep going when you get rejected or beaten, and the ability to assert yourself and pretty much force your way into the business. That is something I am so not good at. I'm just hoping college will open me up a little, and being in the real world will make me more outgoing and assertive. I know it did with my sisters.
I just hate the funk I get into when I do badly at something, or don't make something, etc. I just don't know if i'll be able to handle that pressure at an adult level. or even a college level. I definitely need practice...
Oh, and speaking of practice, I should be practicing about, oh, three or four hours a day by this time. If i'm really serious about this. God. My arms and everything hurt just from practicing so much for my audition and PFAA. I've been doing MAYBE an hour of real practice a day, not including band and lessons. Ugh...
I thought it actually went better than I had anticipated. I played well, I felt, and I was pretty happy with it, until the professor and I started talking at the end... It almost seemed like he was trying to convince me NOT to be a music major. We started out talking about all the drawbacks, like how his first job was 17,000 a year with no benefits, and how the odds of being a professional musician are less than being a pro basketball player... But that in itself didn't really discourage me. I've always known my chances wouldn't be good.
He also said that I would probably be taking 8:00 classes every day of the week until i'm a junior. Which really, really sucks. But I would do it to be a professional musician; just to be as good as he is someday. That is what I want so bad. Another thing is that he said it would probably cost me around 57,000 in extra costs to be a performance major through 4 years of college, because I'd have to buy a new professional level flute, travel costs, etc. As he said, being a musician has been called a "rich man's profession," ironically, since "starving" musicians are obviously linked to not making much money.
He also told me that more than anything, more than being a really, really talented musician, you need a lot of tenacity to be in this profession, and bluntly, that if you don't have it, you need to get out. Tenacity being like, grit and determination and the will to keep going when you get rejected or beaten, and the ability to assert yourself and pretty much force your way into the business. That is something I am so not good at. I'm just hoping college will open me up a little, and being in the real world will make me more outgoing and assertive. I know it did with my sisters.
I just hate the funk I get into when I do badly at something, or don't make something, etc. I just don't know if i'll be able to handle that pressure at an adult level. or even a college level. I definitely need practice...
Oh, and speaking of practice, I should be practicing about, oh, three or four hours a day by this time. If i'm really serious about this. God. My arms and everything hurt just from practicing so much for my audition and PFAA. I've been doing MAYBE an hour of real practice a day, not including band and lessons. Ugh...
Monday, March 15, 2010
I made all state!!
This has been such a good few days...
I went to the movies to see She's out of my league (which was pretty bad) with Sam and found a 20 on the floor in the bathroom stall. That sort of stuff never happens to me!
I slept in until 11, made coffee, practiced a little, went to the DAV and got 6 skirts, 2 dresses and 2 purses for $5, then came home and found out I made all state.
I am so excited! I am one of the 14 best flute players in the state! and i'm the only person besides Tiffany from PHS that made it... I am so happy. I went to phoenix for a few days with my mom and we just hung out by a pool (I even got a little tan, it was awesome) and relaxed. Now i'm back home and gonna be starting my new job today. yay!
I went to the movies to see She's out of my league (which was pretty bad) with Sam and found a 20 on the floor in the bathroom stall. That sort of stuff never happens to me!
I slept in until 11, made coffee, practiced a little, went to the DAV and got 6 skirts, 2 dresses and 2 purses for $5, then came home and found out I made all state.
I am so excited! I am one of the 14 best flute players in the state! and i'm the only person besides Tiffany from PHS that made it... I am so happy. I went to phoenix for a few days with my mom and we just hung out by a pool (I even got a little tan, it was awesome) and relaxed. Now i'm back home and gonna be starting my new job today. yay!
Sunday, March 14, 2010
I'm more nostalgic than the average person
especially lately, I can't get certain things off my mind, certain people, certain events... i'm too nostalgic for my own good. all it does is make me wish things were the way they used to be. I like being able to remember things, but it wears me out sometimes. and at the same time, I wish I could remember them more clearly. I kept a journal through most of last year pretty consistently, and then I destroyed it, something I regret so much... I cringe every time I think about it. I so wish I hadn't. So much of last year was worth writing about for me.
And I was looking forward to being able to look back and laugh at it (still don't quite think i'm at that point yet, but that's not the point, I would have been, eventually...). It's always a bad idea to destroy something you've written. No matter how stupid or dangerous you think it might be. It's like, now, I only remember snippets of things... only certain feelings, events, good memories. I think it's been triggered by the time of year. I just remember what I was doing at this time last year, and how different things were. Just flashes of things, like picking thousands of post-it notes off my car on a windy day, going to lunch alone, parking in the exact same spot every day, picking out my prom dress...
I just feel like if I don't constantly re-remember my memories, they'll go away and i'll lose them forever. It's irrational but it's a big fear for me.
And i'm still having fitful dreams, the kind where nothing in particular sticks out, but I feel less rested when I wake up... I feel like i've been thinking and stressing out all night long instead of resting. I hope they go away.
Meanwhile, I'm kind of excited for prom again this year, even though my date totally isn't... which puts a damper on it for me, but oh well. I know that prom is a kind of stupid, immature high school thing, but it's just something you have to do, and I had enough fun last year to do it again. This year I think i'll go for a sort of 40's hollywood vibe, with a really classic, simple dress kind of like this (black or red, most likely) and a wavy, 40's glamorous hairstyle. Pearls. Dramatic cat-eye makeup. I'm excited.
And I was looking forward to being able to look back and laugh at it (still don't quite think i'm at that point yet, but that's not the point, I would have been, eventually...). It's always a bad idea to destroy something you've written. No matter how stupid or dangerous you think it might be. It's like, now, I only remember snippets of things... only certain feelings, events, good memories. I think it's been triggered by the time of year. I just remember what I was doing at this time last year, and how different things were. Just flashes of things, like picking thousands of post-it notes off my car on a windy day, going to lunch alone, parking in the exact same spot every day, picking out my prom dress...
I just feel like if I don't constantly re-remember my memories, they'll go away and i'll lose them forever. It's irrational but it's a big fear for me.
And i'm still having fitful dreams, the kind where nothing in particular sticks out, but I feel less rested when I wake up... I feel like i've been thinking and stressing out all night long instead of resting. I hope they go away.
Meanwhile, I'm kind of excited for prom again this year, even though my date totally isn't... which puts a damper on it for me, but oh well. I know that prom is a kind of stupid, immature high school thing, but it's just something you have to do, and I had enough fun last year to do it again. This year I think i'll go for a sort of 40's hollywood vibe, with a really classic, simple dress kind of like this (black or red, most likely) and a wavy, 40's glamorous hairstyle. Pearls. Dramatic cat-eye makeup. I'm excited.
Friday, March 12, 2010
I actually CAN be responsible and productive
It's spring break! I'm just saying that to try to make myself more excited, because I really feel no excitement.
I feel a little proud of myself at everything i've done lately. I always seem to really kick it into gear in the last few days before a report card comes out. Hahah. I've brought my grades up, one from a 64 to an 80 in a day, and so now i'm getting two B's and two A's which is one A better than last quarter. go figure. I am so proud of my abilities to bring grades up at the last possible minute.
I think what's helped a lot is that i've started actually using my planner and making lists of everything I need to do. I've set up all my PFAA stuff, made a lot of business phone calls to stragers (which doesn't sound like a big deal, but strangely it's a thing I absolutely loathe doing) i've set up all my college stuff (my audition in is ten days... i'm freaking out), i've pretty much done everything I can do. I feel good about myself when i'm productive like that. Oh, and I have a job! big plus. I will FINALLY be making some money that I can actually like... spend on things. It's so weird to think that i'll have a regular paycheck. it will be so nice to have money to my name.
So other than the fact that allstate auditions are tomorrow and I have my college audition coming up ridiculously fast, i'm in a good mood. I feel like i won't even be able to enjoy break much though, because i'll be so stressed out. I'll be practicing like, three hours a day. Hahah.
I wish I had some cool picture to put along with this blog but I don't. I think I need to start taking more pictures.
I feel a little proud of myself at everything i've done lately. I always seem to really kick it into gear in the last few days before a report card comes out. Hahah. I've brought my grades up, one from a 64 to an 80 in a day, and so now i'm getting two B's and two A's which is one A better than last quarter. go figure. I am so proud of my abilities to bring grades up at the last possible minute.
I think what's helped a lot is that i've started actually using my planner and making lists of everything I need to do. I've set up all my PFAA stuff, made a lot of business phone calls to stragers (which doesn't sound like a big deal, but strangely it's a thing I absolutely loathe doing) i've set up all my college stuff (my audition in is ten days... i'm freaking out), i've pretty much done everything I can do. I feel good about myself when i'm productive like that. Oh, and I have a job! big plus. I will FINALLY be making some money that I can actually like... spend on things. It's so weird to think that i'll have a regular paycheck. it will be so nice to have money to my name.
So other than the fact that allstate auditions are tomorrow and I have my college audition coming up ridiculously fast, i'm in a good mood. I feel like i won't even be able to enjoy break much though, because i'll be so stressed out. I'll be practicing like, three hours a day. Hahah.
I wish I had some cool picture to put along with this blog but I don't. I think I need to start taking more pictures.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I have a soft spot for jazz
I've been going to see the Blue Quintet at Bada Beanz for the past few weeks now. It's a great little place, the people are so nice, and the jazz combo is awesome. It was pouring last week when I went there... I was taking some cool pictures.I guess i've always loved jazz, because my grandma gave my mom a bunch of big band CDs that she used to play in our house all the time when I was little. And I love it even more since i'm dating an awesome jazz musician and I hear it from him all the time.
This week's been pretty good; everyone's so sick of the snow but i'm just kind of like, whatever. It would be nice if it was warm, but i'm fine with the snow. I like the snow, even if we don't get delays. I think snow is beautiful.
I'm just drinking some awful watered down coffee I made for myself, trying to think of something interesting to write about. I've been feeling decreasingly confident in my writing abilities lately. i've been trying to write some poetry (I've written at least ten pretty good length poems by now), since I have to have 1000 lines by may for english, and i've just felt like writing. It's a good release. They're pretty awful poems though. I don't feel like I can write good ones, but at the same time it seems like it should be so easy. I guess i've just been feeling less confident in everything lately. Especially my music stuff. I have finally kind of come to the realization that i'm not as good as I thought I was, I don't always have perfect intonation, and stuff like that. I'm getting more and more nervous about my audition for college. Everyone tells me i'll be fine but I still have that doubt.
It's weird, not having anything I need to do right now. I've had a lot of free time lately, so i've kind of taken to modifying some clothing that didn't fit me quite right by creating pleats with hot glue, adding buttons, etc. Hahah. it sounds like it would look awful, but i've actually been really proud of the stuff i've done. I got a red skirt at the DAV for 50 cents and it was a little bit too big, so I made some pleats in the back and glued on some buttons and now it's adorable. I still wish I knew how to sew though. I keep trying to get my mom to teach me.
Maybe i'll do that over the summer. Along with taking piano classes to be more prepared for college, and hopefully working. I think it'll be a busy summer. I can't wait. It is so weird to think that i'll be graduating from high school though... it's surreal. It doesn't feel like i'm this old at all, like i'm so not ready to go out into the adult world. Oh well, I guess i'll learn fast.
Monday, March 1, 2010
ugh...
I would just like to say that modcloth.com makes me drool.
I would buy a dress for every day of the year from that website if I was rich, I swear.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
My brain won't shut off tonight
I'm so uneasy with myself right now. I don't know what to do with myself. It's raining outside, and i'm alone with my own thoughts, nothing to distract me, nothing that even could when this has been nesting in my brain for weeks like a poisonous little worm. I don't know why I can't stop thinking about it.
I broke off a relationship with a person a few months ago. Mostly for the benefit of someone else I care about, not myself. If left up to me, I would continue most of my harmful relationships until damage is done. I only end relationships when an outside factor forces me to. I am that way, and I don't know why. Apathy will be the end of me.
It was a good decision and I don't regret it. I don't like this person romantically, and I don't even like them as a person. Not anymore. I dream about this person. I don't even like them, and I had a dream about them. I dreamed that I saw them somewhere unexpectedly. We hadn't seen each other in months, and we didn't end on a good note. Being the way I am, I don't hold grudges about being wronged or take it very seriously when I wrong someone for long at all. This has been a good and a bad thing. So I waved at them. They glared at me and didn't wave back. I proceeded to continue to wave at them while they glared for a solid minute before deciding it was futile. You do irrational things in dreams like that. I was upset and angered by their stubbornness and resentment towards me.
Just another example of my symbolic dreams. I'm worried about this person's opinion of me, i'm worried because we ended badly and I can't fix it. I am frustrated because I don't even like them, and I don't know why I should care if we're not on good terms... I shouldn't care. But I always care. Sometimes I hate it. Nobody understands this about me, this obsessive need to be on good terms with everyone.
No, that's not it. I don't need to be on good terms with everyone. But I can't decide on a qualifying factor. There are certain people who I absolutely don't give a damn if they like me or not. Very few people, but there are some. These are just people who i've had a bad history with, people who dislike me as much as i dislike them. I don't care what they think, and that's that.
But there's people who I don't like, don't respect, or don't even know, and still crave acceptance from. This is what I don't understand... maybe it's because at some point in my life I did like or respect them. I don't know if this is a flaw in my personality, if it's just a pride issue within myself. Do I need these people to like me to feel better about myself?
But, this one person... I really cannot stop thinking about this issue. I facebook stalk them, for christsakes. Why, I have no idea. I don't know what i'm expecting to find. I can't talk to them, I promised I wouldn't. I won't break that promise. and really, I don't even know what I would say to them. What I COULD say to them without sounding like a complete idiot. After months of no communication, trying to tell them that even though I don't particularly like or respect them, and I don't want to have any sort of relationship with them, I need to know that they don't resent me. And what if they DO resent me? Then what am I going to do? Try pathetically to explain why they shouldn't?
Even worse, what if they don't care at all? What if they have absolutely no feelings towards the subject, and they think i'm being ridiculous and dramatic for even bringing it up again? What if they've completely moved on from it? Maybe that's what i'm the most afraid of. That i'm sitting here dwelling on them, thinking about them, this person that was once so important to me, and they're having a great time in their life, not giving the subject a second thought.
Why do I obsess over people like this in my life? the relatively unimportant people that I don't communicate with, that I don't ever see, that I don't even know anymore? Why can't I just let it go?
Writing this has at least helped me organize my ideas and come to a tiny bit of a conclusion. I'm still unsatisfied. This is eating away at me. I could have written it in a journal and not had to hide any specifics, but when I handwrite things it's not nearly as effective, because I type ten times faster than I handwrite. And it's just... not as satisfying as knowing my thoughts are being made public, for some reason.
I haven't told anybody my feelings on this subject, this in depth. I don't know why I am now voluntarily allowing anybody who wants to read this.
I hope nobody will make me regret it.
I broke off a relationship with a person a few months ago. Mostly for the benefit of someone else I care about, not myself. If left up to me, I would continue most of my harmful relationships until damage is done. I only end relationships when an outside factor forces me to. I am that way, and I don't know why. Apathy will be the end of me.
It was a good decision and I don't regret it. I don't like this person romantically, and I don't even like them as a person. Not anymore. I dream about this person. I don't even like them, and I had a dream about them. I dreamed that I saw them somewhere unexpectedly. We hadn't seen each other in months, and we didn't end on a good note. Being the way I am, I don't hold grudges about being wronged or take it very seriously when I wrong someone for long at all. This has been a good and a bad thing. So I waved at them. They glared at me and didn't wave back. I proceeded to continue to wave at them while they glared for a solid minute before deciding it was futile. You do irrational things in dreams like that. I was upset and angered by their stubbornness and resentment towards me.
Just another example of my symbolic dreams. I'm worried about this person's opinion of me, i'm worried because we ended badly and I can't fix it. I am frustrated because I don't even like them, and I don't know why I should care if we're not on good terms... I shouldn't care. But I always care. Sometimes I hate it. Nobody understands this about me, this obsessive need to be on good terms with everyone.
No, that's not it. I don't need to be on good terms with everyone. But I can't decide on a qualifying factor. There are certain people who I absolutely don't give a damn if they like me or not. Very few people, but there are some. These are just people who i've had a bad history with, people who dislike me as much as i dislike them. I don't care what they think, and that's that.
But there's people who I don't like, don't respect, or don't even know, and still crave acceptance from. This is what I don't understand... maybe it's because at some point in my life I did like or respect them. I don't know if this is a flaw in my personality, if it's just a pride issue within myself. Do I need these people to like me to feel better about myself?
But, this one person... I really cannot stop thinking about this issue. I facebook stalk them, for christsakes. Why, I have no idea. I don't know what i'm expecting to find. I can't talk to them, I promised I wouldn't. I won't break that promise. and really, I don't even know what I would say to them. What I COULD say to them without sounding like a complete idiot. After months of no communication, trying to tell them that even though I don't particularly like or respect them, and I don't want to have any sort of relationship with them, I need to know that they don't resent me. And what if they DO resent me? Then what am I going to do? Try pathetically to explain why they shouldn't?
Even worse, what if they don't care at all? What if they have absolutely no feelings towards the subject, and they think i'm being ridiculous and dramatic for even bringing it up again? What if they've completely moved on from it? Maybe that's what i'm the most afraid of. That i'm sitting here dwelling on them, thinking about them, this person that was once so important to me, and they're having a great time in their life, not giving the subject a second thought.
Why do I obsess over people like this in my life? the relatively unimportant people that I don't communicate with, that I don't ever see, that I don't even know anymore? Why can't I just let it go?
Writing this has at least helped me organize my ideas and come to a tiny bit of a conclusion. I'm still unsatisfied. This is eating away at me. I could have written it in a journal and not had to hide any specifics, but when I handwrite things it's not nearly as effective, because I type ten times faster than I handwrite. And it's just... not as satisfying as knowing my thoughts are being made public, for some reason.
I haven't told anybody my feelings on this subject, this in depth. I don't know why I am now voluntarily allowing anybody who wants to read this.
I hope nobody will make me regret it.
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