I'm so uneasy with myself right now. I don't know what to do with myself. It's raining outside, and i'm alone with my own thoughts, nothing to distract me, nothing that even could when this has been nesting in my brain for weeks like a poisonous little worm. I don't know why I can't stop thinking about it.
I broke off a relationship with a person a few months ago. Mostly for the benefit of someone else I care about, not myself. If left up to me, I would continue most of my harmful relationships until damage is done. I only end relationships when an outside factor forces me to. I am that way, and I don't know why. Apathy will be the end of me.
It was a good decision and I don't regret it. I don't like this person romantically, and I don't even like them as a person. Not anymore. I dream about this person. I don't even like them, and I had a dream about them. I dreamed that I saw them somewhere unexpectedly. We hadn't seen each other in months, and we didn't end on a good note. Being the way I am, I don't hold grudges about being wronged or take it very seriously when I wrong someone for long at all. This has been a good and a bad thing. So I waved at them. They glared at me and didn't wave back. I proceeded to continue to wave at them while they glared for a solid minute before deciding it was futile. You do irrational things in dreams like that. I was upset and angered by their stubbornness and resentment towards me.
Just another example of my symbolic dreams. I'm worried about this person's opinion of me, i'm worried because we ended badly and I can't fix it. I am frustrated because I don't even like them, and I don't know why I should care if we're not on good terms... I shouldn't care. But I always care. Sometimes I hate it. Nobody understands this about me, this obsessive need to be on good terms with everyone.
No, that's not it. I don't need to be on good terms with everyone. But I can't decide on a qualifying factor. There are certain people who I absolutely don't give a damn if they like me or not. Very few people, but there are some. These are just people who i've had a bad history with, people who dislike me as much as i dislike them. I don't care what they think, and that's that.
But there's people who I don't like, don't respect, or don't even know, and still crave acceptance from. This is what I don't understand... maybe it's because at some point in my life I did like or respect them. I don't know if this is a flaw in my personality, if it's just a pride issue within myself. Do I need these people to like me to feel better about myself?
But, this one person... I really cannot stop thinking about this issue. I facebook stalk them, for christsakes. Why, I have no idea. I don't know what i'm expecting to find. I can't talk to them, I promised I wouldn't. I won't break that promise. and really, I don't even know what I would say to them. What I COULD say to them without sounding like a complete idiot. After months of no communication, trying to tell them that even though I don't particularly like or respect them, and I don't want to have any sort of relationship with them, I need to know that they don't resent me. And what if they DO resent me? Then what am I going to do? Try pathetically to explain why they shouldn't?
Even worse, what if they don't care at all? What if they have absolutely no feelings towards the subject, and they think i'm being ridiculous and dramatic for even bringing it up again? What if they've completely moved on from it? Maybe that's what i'm the most afraid of. That i'm sitting here dwelling on them, thinking about them, this person that was once so important to me, and they're having a great time in their life, not giving the subject a second thought.
Why do I obsess over people like this in my life? the relatively unimportant people that I don't communicate with, that I don't ever see, that I don't even know anymore? Why can't I just let it go?
Writing this has at least helped me organize my ideas and come to a tiny bit of a conclusion. I'm still unsatisfied. This is eating away at me. I could have written it in a journal and not had to hide any specifics, but when I handwrite things it's not nearly as effective, because I type ten times faster than I handwrite. And it's just... not as satisfying as knowing my thoughts are being made public, for some reason.
I haven't told anybody my feelings on this subject, this in depth. I don't know why I am now voluntarily allowing anybody who wants to read this.
I hope nobody will make me regret it.
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