"Weird" is the word of the day

It's been a weird sort of few weeks. I've been sick for like, two weeks now, and it's really getting frustrating. I want to be able to frickin breathe through my nose.

I'm just in a weird mood right now. I've been having weird dreams lately. Last night was the second time recently that I had a dream about unintentionally killing a bird. it's not as morbid as it sounds, don't worry. In the first dream I had, I was on the beach and there were hundreds of seagulls flying around me, but none of them were touching me and I wasn't scared, I was happy. For some reason I had to run around and catch a bird, I had to find the fattest bird that I could and catch it. I caught one in my hands; it was a fat pigeon with glossy green peacock feathers. I was proud of myself. I started to run with it in my hands, making sure I wasn't holding it too tightly or hurting it. It was trying to flap its wings and fly away but I wouldn't let it. I brought it to a group of my friends. As soon as I stopped running I knew something was wrong. Its wing beats had gotten more and more feeble, and I finally couldn't feel them anymore. It couldn't be dead, I had to make it fly. I opened my hands and it wasn't moving. I wanted it to be alive so desperately, but I just knew it wasn't. I couldn't accept it. I flung it up in the air, wanting it to fly but knowing it wouldn't, and it fell back to the ground. I was so sad, and felt so horrible that I had killed it...

I guess it was kind of a morbid dream. But the one last night was even stranger.

I was in a place with a lot of animals, but not a zoo, I don't know where. Every sort of animal. They were all in cages, but the electricity had failed, and I heard an announcement over speakers that all their cages had opened and they were loose (I think this was my brain regurgitating a part of Shutter Island... I saw it last night; i tend to dream about movies if i see them late at night). I remember being really afraid, and looking down around my feet, like I expected to see animals attacking me. I knew the animals would be wild and violent. Official people were running around trying to subdue the animals, but it was just making them more angry. I remember thinking, if i'm just nice and calm with the animals, they'll do what I want them to. There was a dog-like animal trying to attack me. I just stayed calm and let it chew on my hand, like my dog does when we're playing, and it stopped struggling and became calm. I was proud that my theory was right. I saw a fat white bird on the ground, and when I tried to approach it, it was startled and flew away like all birds do, but I knew that I could catch it if I was calm and slow. So I approached it again and it let me pick it up in my hands. Just like in the first dream, It was beating its wings in my hands while I was walking with it. It was inflating like a balloon, and it kept getting bigger and bigger. I must have been trying to take it somewhere, but I don't know where. Same as in the first dream, when I got there, it was motionless and I knew I had killed it. I opened my hands and it floated up, then slowly floated back to the ground, like a helium balloon that's lost too much air. Just like the first dream, I was horrified with myself and couldn't believe I had killed it.

I don't know why I have these dreams. They must be significant in some way, but I can't imagine how. Dreams are interesting.

I've been thinking about the past a lot recently. even more than usual, and I usually think too much about the past. There's just been certain things bugging me, unresolved relationship issues, etcetera, and I can't figure out why they should bother me at all. I think i'm huge on relationship closure. Just closure in general. I just can't end on a bad note with someone, even someone I don't like, don't know really know, or don't care about at all. I always end up trying to fix things, even months down the line, when most of the time it's either too late, or people just get irratated with my concern. And if I don't fix it, it just eats away at me until it starts cropping up in my dreams, and then I know it's a real problem.

I seem to have a lot of good story dreams. The sort of dreams that are entertaining to tell people because they're so weird and/or symbolic. Like the teeth falling out in the halls dream. Or the reoccuring unpreparedness dream, where I have a performance or a competition and I don't have my music learned at all, or I forgot the music, or i'm wearing a horrible outfit. Or the dream where I drove my car into a pool on accident (I've also had two recent dreams about having to rescue my flute from inside a pool... what could that possibly mean...). Or the dream where I was elated to find I could play the soprano saxophone beautifully when never having played it before.

God. This has been a weird blog. Sorry if my bird killing dreams were at all disturbing.

On a lighter note, I got my acceptance letter to UA. so it's official. Now I can officially be mediocre in school and nobody can rightfully give me crap about it, i'm already accepted! hahah.