Atypical sunday night

I heard recently from a friend that if you don't think back on memories regularly, they go away. they just vanish, and then you can't remember, even if you try. Which scares me. I have so many memories I don't want to vanish. I feel like I should be writing about them so much more regularly than I do.
this is back from sophomore year... and the only reason I put it on here is because it makes me laugh literally every time I see it, and a picture gets peoples' interest when they see the blog title. This is like, the most perfectly captured moment ever. I look exactly like i'm talking to the pizza. priceless.

So I'm sitting here drinking my second cup of English breakfast tea for the day, just thinking. I've had a good weekend. The snow was fun because I got to hang out with friends more than I usually do, and snow is always fun, but it would get annoying and extremely inconveniencing living somewhere where it snows more than once in a great while, like it does here.

I went to see my counselor on saturday for one of the last times. It's always a nice release and i'll miss it, even though I won't miss having to go to phoenix for the appointments. I guess we've agreed that i'll stop going when I graduate. Or once my parents' divorce is official. I guess they figure I won't have any stress factors in my life once those things happen. Hahah.
Mom and I went shopping after my appointment, which was very fun and successful. I finally got some above the knee boots and a black blazer, which was a very, very good buy... I feel like just the blazer opens up so many outfit possibilities.
I'm ridiculous. hahaha. What can I say, I take my clothing very seriously and i'm proud of it.

Today I saw avatar, which was very good, but I still don't understand ALL the hype. Like why it's still getting sold out weeks after its premiere. But oh well.

So after reading a friend's recent blog i'm left with thinking about my own friends and how I wish I handled friendship differently. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to tell my friends that I love and care about them, and why that's not a regular thing. It's almost like we're guys and we're too macho to acknowledge things like that. Or maybe that's just me. I just wish I had handled things differently in the past. It seems like over time it's gotten harder and harder for me to tell people how I feel about things. And I don't know why.
I've been thinking about college a lot lately. Not stressing over it so much, but thinking about what it will be like to leave here. To leave my friends and break up with my boyfriend because, being the realistic/pessimistic person I am, I don't think long distance would work. And being the coward that I am, I don't want to run the risk of being broken up with when he realizes that there's a whole other world out there that doesn't include me, or having to break his heart... I would much rather it be mutual and equal for the both of us. I'm lucky that some of my closest friends are going to the same college as me. I'm also excited to make new friends. I'm worried that I WON'T make new friends. And that, like my mother says, if I don't involve myself right away i'll be sucked into this black hole of introversion and shyness, only to stay in my dorm room alone until people notice me. That sounds like something I would do. I need to force myself to be less passive about socialization for once.

Anyways, it's sunday night and I have nothing to do for once. No work i'm scrambling to get done. I'm still going to be so tired tomorrow morning. I'm going to sleep.

Not so distant past and future

I haven't posted in a while...

well, i'm not going to give the whole rundown on London, because needless to say it was amazing. the only thing that completely sucked was the food. it was absolutely terrible. but the city was cool. hahaha.

And backtracking a little, my Christmas was also pretty good. it was good, but hard, having everything be so new. everything's kinda hard right now. i'm stressing about college and auditions still, my college audition but mostly regionals (which i'm sure everyone thinks is much less important than college auditions but it's very important to me for some reason). i'm nervous about it because i've improved every year by a lot, and this year i'll be disappointed if I don't improve again and it'll be really hard. freshman year I got 9th, sophomore year I got 4th, last year I got 2nd, and this year, the only place I could get that would be improvement is first. so I don't know if I will. i'm pushing myself too hard and stressing about that.

a good thing is that I switched out of statistics and into orchestra, where all I do is practice my flute every day and I get credit for it. it's the best thing I could have hoped for. hahaha. It truly makes me happy, happier than anything, but I have so many doubts about it as a career still. I always just feel like i'm not good enough to pursue a music career; like I should just keep it as a hobby but do something else more practical in college.

But on the other hand... when I imagine doing anything else I know I would be bored and unfulfilled. So I guess there's my answer. It's crazy to think about; a few years ago I never would have thought I would pick this as my future career, but it's all I can see myself doing. I'm scared about it. I just can't wait to be in college and have everything settled. I will miss my mom a lot, i've come to realize. Sure, it'll be nice to not have forced parental influence over every part of my life, but I know i'll miss her. She's not so controlling that it will be a complete relief. I'll miss going to cracker barrell with her every sunday morning and i'll even miss the things I usually choose not to do with her, like watch old movies on friday and saturday nights. Makes me wish I had taken her up on more of those offers. But we still have the rest of the year and summer. And believe me, I AM ready to get out of the house, even if i'll miss her. hahahah.

having only two real classes has been ridiculously easy, so i'm occupying my spare time by practicing more, knitting, and playing the sims. i'm pretty proud of the first two. i'm still working on Sam's christmas present scarf. Anyways, i'll try to start writing more regularly. I sure have the time.